Erotic Integrity, Sexologist, Monotonous monogamy, Functional Medicine, Homeopath

“People are always giving you information about themselves”

     Dr. Claudia Six     

Dr. Veronica Anderson, Host, Functional Medicine Specialist and Medical Intuitive interviews Dr. Claudia Six about Erotic Integrity: How to Be True to Yourself Sexually.

Are you struggling in your relationship? Clinical Sexologist Dr. Claudia Six has over 25 of experience specializing in sexual and relationship issues. She helps people understand and accept themselves as sexual beings and meet their sexual goals.

In this episode, Dr. Six will talk about the common reasons why some people are unfaithful in their relationship. She will provide moral ways to fulfill the desires of you and your partner. Listen to the end to find out how to be with somebody who has an illness.

Listen to episode 66 on iTunes here or subscribe on your favorite podcast app.

 

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66: Show Notes


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Book:

Erotic Integrity: How to Be True to Yourself SexuallyDr. Claudia Six

 

Time Stamps:

05:46 – Divorcing a husband and having a boyfriend

09:50 – Are there no bad guys in cheating?

11:48 – Why are some unfaithful and keeping the primary relationship

14:48 – Monotonous monogamy

16:13 – Taking cheating personal

19:58 – Three types of desire

22:26 – Being with someone who has an illness

 

Full Transcript:

Female VO: Welcome to the Wellness Revolution Podcast, the radio show all about wellness in your mind, body, spirit, personal growth, sex, and relationships. Stay tuned for weekly interviews featuring guests that have achieved physical, mental, and spiritual health in their lives.

If you’d like to have access to our entire back catalog visit drveronica.com for instant access. Here’s your host, Dr. Veronica.

Dr. Veronica:  I am Dr. Veronica, this is Wellness For The Real World, I am a medical doctor, medical intuitive and I like to keep your mind going with juicy topics from all realms of health and wellness.  And so you notice that I rarely talk about cholesterol and thyroid and high blood pressure and cancer. But when I do talk about those it’s going to be something a little bit controversial so that it’s not the same old, same old, same old, oh, go take fish oil, take some coenzyme q coffee being an ……… is the way to go not with that hair, are you kidding me.

Well, let’s talk about the juicy stuff that makes us all go and while we are all here and you understand that I have got to have a sex show on with good sexologists.  Now, I think maybe I miss my calling sometime because if I could go back and be other, and I have other life times coming up, we have done that show.  Where would I be if I could be anything that I wanted to be that I didn’t get to be in this lifetime, would I be a sexologist?  Maybe, because I am just so academic and heavy about these things.  But I really think I would, and I am going to do this, I am getting all my friends as I am working out, my trainer is working on me and I am running and I am getting back in shape.  I am ready to do my nude calendar with all my middle aged older friends just so you all can be pissed off because it’s beautiful and sex is beautiful and you have got to get it right.

So let’s talk more about sex but this is from a little bit different angle.  We are going to talk about cheating and there is a difference in cheating, the way guys cheat and girls cheat and how we perceive it.  And, how about more of my history?  I like to give my history because I am out there, because when I decide that I am going to run for president I want you guys not have anything in the closet that you can hold over my head.  So here we go and now Al, my producer over there is looking at me out of the corner of my eye wondering if he is going to edit me and not the guest, maybe, maybe not.

I am on my second time around in marriage and it’s working out very well because we have got a grove going on and that’s a good piece that has it going on and I am not just talking about the bedroom groove, we just know how each other likes to roll in the rest of life and we allow it and accepting of it such that we feel good with each other.  When we have any kind of issue we are able to talk about it and be straight with each other.  Even when I am having an issue and I say “listen baby, I don’t want to talk about this but I just want to tell you how I am feeling”, he will say ok, and if we need to talk about it we will a talk about it buy if not he will say ok.  And that works well.

But before I did that, I was married before and I decided it was time to go.  I was being called by another life and here I am in this other life but I didn’t know what it was when I was being called and why I was being called but I lived that particular life for a reason. I got to the point where I could not stand it, I hated my medical practice although it was big and I love my patients, I love those people. If you are one of my patients that I took care of I want you to know how much I love you, I did love you and I still love you but no, I am not coming back to that, no, get another doctor.  I have met people who these many years later haven’t gotten another doctor, I am not coming back to that, no way, no how.  But I jumped out of my medical practice, I owned it, you know and I just walked away one day and I said I am never coming back but I didn’t tell anybody I wasn’t coming back, I just walked away and said I am never doing this again.  And at the same time I walked away from the church, I was a member of First Baptist Church in Lincoln Gardens, had been for years, taught Sunday School. I had people who I thought were my friends there, obviously they weren’t my friends because once I decided I was walking away, I can count on about two fingers of the people who have reached out to me in that time for whatever reason, I haven’t reached back either, I have gotten past that.  They are where they are and that’s fine and it’s wonderful, it’s working for them, wonderful, it wasn’t working for me anymore, goodbye church.

And on the next pathway I decided I was walking out of my marriage.  So I can tell you all the good, the bad, the ugly about why I wanted to get a divorce but it really wasn’t about that. That’s  the story that I tell you on a surface that you can understand but it was really about, my soul wasn’t really where it needed to be and so therefore I had to move and shift.  And so one day I went to my husband at the time and said, I want to leave, I am out of here, I don’t want to be married anymore.  And imagine a black man turning white because that’s how he looked like when I told him that.  I caught him completely off guard, he wasn’t expecting it.  We had a reasonable good marriage, most people would say we had a pretty good marriage.  Now, people have their idiosyncrasies but we were married and I would say, I would admit that we had a good marriage, I wasn’t divorced and abused, there wasn’t all these other horrible stories that people tell about being married.  Yeah, there were issues with things I didn’t like and things he didn’t like but the real underlying reason I was just out of there because my soul said you need to move and I had no idea where I needed to move to.

So once I said that to him I said I am going out and I am getting a boyfriend.  Now, keep in mind I was still married but I decided I am going and getting a boyfriend.   And thus I walked out and I got a boyfriend.  And, you realize that you have been walking in relatively fundamentally Christian community then all of a sudden I had this colored A on my chest and that was the reason for everybody to pile on top of me, beat me up and throw me away and never talk to me again because that’s what happens.

You are saying Dr. Veronica, why are you telling me this story?  I am telling the story because I know other people have been there, done that where I am and when I was going through it I felt like nobody else had been there, done that where I am.  I went into a severe clinical depression where I went to see the psychologist twice a week and I was happy that the sun came up but I wasn’t that happy because I felt so horrible.  I was clinically depressed and in my clinical depression the strategy to feel better, some people go for drugs, some people go for alcohol, some people go for cigarettes, some people go for food and that’s why they are four hundred pounds because they feel so bad.  The only thing that gives them any relief is eating that Krispy Kreme and dunkin doughnuts and extra large white mocha coffee, 24/7.  But for me it was I am going to go out and get a boyfriend.  And so therefore I had the big A on my chest.

Now all those people that I went to church with who are glutton and obese and sick and doing all those other things they are all fine from a moral standpoint but not Dr. Veronica when she went out she had a boyfriend.  Interesting, isn’t it?  I was so happy I did though because I learned something because here I am and my life is wonderful now because I got past that.

I told you the story about when I met my husband, my friend told me when I was coming to this party that all the guys there were married and so I purposely wouldn’t talk to any of the men this party because I have been there, done that, dating a married man and I wasn’t doing that anymore.

So I had all these life experiences, you understand you have these life experiences to evolve your soul and I had a soul evolution and I decided been there done that I am not dating anymore married men.  So I went to this party and I wouldn’t talk to anybody except this guy came beside me and said why don’t you try that food, I didn’t even look at him because as far as I know that was somebody else’s husband and I wasn’t doing that again.  It turned out he wasn’t married either and he was the other divorced person at this party and now he is my husband.

That’s my second act, my soul mate, that I knew him from at least 2500 BC, my soul mate Abel.  There are no bad guys in cheating. I bring to you Dr. Dr. Claudia Six, that’s interesting, a sexologist named Six.

Dr. Six:  that’s right, it’s perfect.

Dr. Veronica:    There are no bad guys in cheating, you say that, I wanted to tell my story because the truth heals and so I plan to be well, I will close my eyes from here and move on when I am ninety nine and will do it being well and by being well means I have to tell my truth and that was part of my truth and I have told it to all Philadelphia area and anybody who gets this on demand way down the line.  So Dr. Six you say there are no bad guys in cheating.  Why did you say that?

Dr. Six:  That’s what I do, it’s a hard sell, if people don’t like it when I say that.  Your situation is a little different and that you were actually truthful with your husband when you said I am going to be with somebody else.  Most people do not, most people go ………..0:10:07.9 on the side and they are deceitful by omission, they don’t tell.  And the reason I say there is no bad guy in cheating is because infidelity is a fraction of a dynamic between two people in a relationship and it’s symptomatic of a problem in the primary relationship and mistress is not the cause of it.  So for the sake of this conversation let’s assume a heterosexual model and guy is cheating, that’s not always how it happens.  But the reason somebody cheats always makes perfect sense, I am not advocating it, I am not excusing it but if you are the one who has been cheated on, it can be ……..0:10:48.5 how it makes sense.  I invite people who come see me after infidelity they would be curious about their predicaments from an empowered stance not of the victim stance, there are no victims in my office.  The person who cheated is out of integrity with themselves and they have chosen to prioritize something else over their commitment and that’s information about the, it’s not information about the person who has been cheated on.   That’s why I say there are no bad guys in cheating.

Dr. Veronica:  So, you know, I like to use me as an example, but, you know, I got into a situation, I felt miserable and I understood that I felt miserable and it wasn’t his fault that I felt miserable, I needed to do something and people do what they have to do for whatever reason.  Is there a better way to do it?  You get into that situation and there are people who, men more than women who they want to keep their primary marriage but they want to be with somebody else too.  Talk about the psychology behind that?

Dr. Six:   There are a lot of reasons why people are unfaithful and a lot of people are unfaithful and do want to keep their primary relationship.  It maybe that the feel consistently pushed away or made wrong and that doesn’t make them want to be closer to their spouse but they don’t necessarily want to leave, they just want to go be received by somebody else.  It maybe that they don’t feel appreciated or feel a lack of affection.  It maybe that their partner doesn’t want to be sexual for whatever reason.  You know, sometimes women after childbirth or around menopause their libido drops and they decide they are not interested but that doesn’t mean they get to make a unilateral decision about whether or not their partner gets to have sex.

So sometimes people don’t listen to each other, they don’t talk to each other, they play it safe and they kind of hide emotionally and they don’t really reveal themselves to their partner.  They forget to enchant each other.  They refuse to evolve emotionally, they refuse to say the things that are hard to say or sometimes it’s an escape patch, it’s a backup plan in case the primary relationship doesn’t work out, something to fall back on.   Sometimes it’s just a way to avoid that existential loneliness especially when a woman has a child and the child kind of takes all her energy, the husband feels neglected and that existential loneliness comes up.

It can also be a destruction from not liking yourself, not really liking who you see in the mirror, so you go like somebody else who is going to like you and prop up your ego.  It might also be because somebody wants variety and they don’t know how to make it happen in their relationship so they go find somebody who is more acrobatic.  Sometimes people want to try new things that they are afraid if they tell their partner, their partner is going to reject them and say, you know, where did you learn that or, you know, that’s sick and perverted and it’s not necessarily sick and perverted it’s just a little variety.  And then in the middle of it they might say something like are you done yet or hurry up and get it over with. I mean, that’s just heartbreaking, that’s the situation that happens a lot and sometimes it’s easier to go find somebody new to do it with than keep settling for a diet of that.  Sometimes people are bored, sometimes people are complaisant, a lot of people are complaisant.

Dr. Veronica:  Ok, let’s talk about monotonous monogamy, variety.  I believe that people do want variety and so you are in a relationship, you want your primary relationship but you do want variety.  What do you do about this?

Dr. Six:  You open your mouth, you talk about it, you know, it’s crazy that you can have your mouth on somebody’s genitals and not be able to talk to them about it. Sex is a very intimate thing and it’s a very personal thing, it’s very revealing of who we are but people want to do it buy they don’t want to talk about it, it’s crazy.  You want to do something different, you want to add some variety, you have got to open your mouth and say “honey”, you start with a positive, “I really like, I love making, I really like what we have been doing and I was thinking it might be fine if we tried something new.  How would it be if we did this”? And then you say how it’s going to look like and what it’s not going to look like because you don’t want the other person to get anxious or go into performing things and say oh my god, I don’t know if I could do that?  And then you ask them what they would need to make that work and you find a win win. You want to make it work for both people but you have got to open your mouth and talk about it.

Dr. Veronica:  But before you talk about it you might want to read Dr. Six’s book, Erotic Integrity, How to be True to Yourself Sexually, How to be True to Yourself Sexuality, Erotic Integrity.  I like that term, Erotic Integrity.  So you say that cheating is not personal yet it really feels so personal when your partner that you do everything for because it seems that perhaps this is true but I don’t necessarily know that this is true that men are straying more than women?  But you are the woman, you have been home you take care of the kids, you lay out his clothes, you do the cooking, you even bring home the baking. You do it all and yet after all this he strays and he goes and runs off with the secretary or somebody else.  How can you not take that personally?

Dr. Six:  It feels deeply deeply personal and very painful buy it is not personal, you have got to remember, this is what I tell my clients all of the time, if people are always giving you information about themselves, they are not giving you information about you, they are giving you information about themselves.  So if somebody is fooling around on you it’s not because you are not skinny enough or curvy enough or rich enough or organismic enough or acrobatic enough or whatever it is enough, you are enough.  They are straying because they are out of integrity with themselves and they make a choice to prioritize something else, short time gratification is over their commitment to the primary relationship and whatever agreements you have made and that is information about them.  It’s not information about you, just like if somebody says you are too sensitive, you are too sensitive for what, you are too sensitive for them.  You are just fine.

So people are always giving you information about themselves and when somebody is fooling around it’s information about them, it’s not about you.  It doesn’t mean you are not desirable, that you are not attractive, that you are not a good partner, it’s information about them, it’s not personal, even though it hearts really badly.  And it’s hard to remember that in a moment

Dr. Veronica:  And so here comes the medical moment because one quality that I see in a lot of women as they get older, they just get old and mean and don’t feel like doing it and they just think ok, well, we will just pass that point.  No, that’s not the way it is, you have got to do something about it.  Now, yes, hormones change and all that type of stuff but do something.  Now, I am not saying you have to go to the doctor and get hormone replacement therapy, I have for people holistic therapies that work so well, it’s amazing, they work better than what you get a prescription written for.  Amazingly so that will rejuvenate your body and make you feel like having sex again and it’s scary.  It’s scary that people don’t know that it’s out there but I think one of the problems with women is that they just feel like, oh, well, like you said, I just don’t feel like it anymore and he is married to me and so therefore he should be faithful and he should be winding down his sex life anyway because this how you feel about it.  This is what you should do when you are a certain age and he doesn’t necessarily feel that way about it and so he goes out and he gets a side piece and all of a sudden he is happy.  Let me tell you I know a lot of women who are side pieces, I do.   You start talking about this now and you just realize a lot of people are in relationships that they stay in because it’s easier to stay married, it’s hard to split up your assets, you don’t want to rock the boat, you want to stay in your same social circle and you don’t want I don’t like you anymore really but it’s easier for me because if we get a divorce you are going to be horrible, horrible.  And so therefore I am just going to stay married and I am going to go out and get a side piece, I am going to get a girlfriend.  Do you see this a lot?

Dr. Six:  I do, I see this all the time both on the women’s perspective and from the men’s perspective and I do have something to offer on that in terms of desire.  There are all these conversations about desire which in my opinion confuse desire and arousal.  So I tell people desire is the willingness to get started, it’s the willingness to engage your partners sexually and too often people look to their crotch especially older women.  They are looking for desire in their crotch and it’s like you know what, it’s not happening, I am done.  But that’s very short sided.  You can come to desire from three different places, it can come from your crotch, throbbing ……… that horny feeling. Guys have testosterone so they inherently have more of that kind of desire, it’s not good or bad, it’s just different, it’s hormones.

You can also come from a little higher up, you can through it from your heart, you know, I really love this person, I want to make him feel good, I want to smell them and rub my legs around them and experience pleasure with them. Or, you can come to it from your head, like well, you know, it’s been two weeks, two months, two years or whatever and it will be a good idea for us to get it on.  And it doesn’t matter where you start, it doesn’t matter if you are eighty percent in your head and twenty percent in your heart but it’s good idea, I kind of like the guy, alright, let’s give this a go.  And it doesn’t matter if one person in their crotch and the other person starts from heart or their head, that’s just getting started, that’s desire. And people come to sex therapy thinking they are broken because they are not experiencing desire in their crotch and it’s not happening so much in your crotch.  Some people with hormone replacement therapy can get back to that.  But still don’t just look to it there, look a little higher in heart and your head.

And arousal is what happens when she gets going.  That’s the heavy breathing, the lubricating, the contorting, that’s arousal.  Desire is the willingness to move towards your partner and engage them sexually.  So there are a lot of more people have desire than they think.

Dr. Veronica:  The caregiver, there are a lot of people as they move on in life or at a particular time in dark men and women giving a caregiver with somebody on the other side who they are married to who is critically ill and they are doing their best yet they would like to have a relationship and because of an illness the person on the other side that they are married to was unable to do that.  What do you tell people like that?

Dr. Six:  You know, I actually have a chat too like that in my book, that specific case.  The story that I tell in the book was of a gentleman whose wife was ailing and was no longer coherent and able to participate in the relationship and he was still a vibrant sexual being and I helped him place an ad and he met a number of women and he found somebody with whom to be lovers, who didn’t want to take the place of his wife, who wasn’t looking to steal him away and they had a very enjoyable companionable sexual relationship and he was still loyal to his wife.  And there is nothing wrong with that, I think that’s part of erotic integrity and being true to yourself and being honest with yourself.

Dr. Veronica:  One of the interesting thing you said he was being loyal to his wife and, I mean, my ears popped up to that because many people would says that’s not loyalty, he cheated on his wife. What do you say to that?

Dr. Six:  If his wife was in a such a state that she was no longer able to, you know, if her mental abilities were decreasing such that she couldn’t really participate in the relationship and I think in this case she was in retirement home and he went and visited her every day.  But the sensual, sexual, you know, affectionate part of his life and part of their relationship wasn’t there anymore.  So he was loyal, he took care of her, he went visiting or he spent time with here, he did everything to make sure that she had optimal wellbeing but he still had sensual and sexual needs. He was still a vibrant sexual being and this was a gentleman in his seventies.  And there is no reason why you can’t still be true to yourself, being erotic integrity with yourself and still be loyal to your partner.  There is grey, it’s not black and white.

Dr. Veronica:  So what of these people where and it’s more often the wife than husband who becomes this way, the wife is uninterested in the erotic side of their relationship but she wants everything else yet the husband goes off and he has a mistress that doesn’t want to steal him away, doesn’t want to do anything and just becomes a companion.  Do you call that ok?

Dr. Six:  Well, that depends, so the case I just described was an older gentleman but in the case of say a menopausal woman who is not interested in sex anymore and he says, you know what, I don’t want to have sex, I don’t care what you do, go find somebody else, I don’t want to know about it, I don’t want to hear about it and the guy takes her word and has a lover, I don’t think he is out if integrity because, you know, they have an agreement, go do this to for somebody else, I don’t want to know about it.  Ideally they would have a conversation and he would say something like, “you know honey, I love you, I want to stay married to you, I don’t want to be sexual, my first choice is to be sexual with you, that’s really my preference.  I love you, I find you attractive, I would love for us to be lovers.  If that’s definitely not on the table for you and you are definitely not available for that I want you to know that I am going take you with your word and I am going to take a lover”.  Ideally that’s what would happen, it’s not always the conversation that takes place.

Dr. Veronica:    , it’s highly ever the conversation that takes place because there are lots of people out there that hold their partners hostage, you better do it this way or else with the threat of losing everything.  So you are supposed to be miserable with me forever, don’t you dare do anything, no sex, no nothing, do as I say and stay in misery but you better not go off and get a hot thing.  So Dr. Six, thank you for being on Wellness For The Real World

Dr. Six:  Thank you Dr. Veronica

Dr. Veronica:  drsix.com, you want to go get her book Erotic Integrity.  Thank you for being on Wellness For The Real World.  I am Dr. Veronica, medical doctor, medical intuitive.

Female VO: Thank you for listening to the Wellness Revolution Podcast. If you want to hear more on how to bring wellness into your life visit drveronica.com. See you all next week. Take care.

 

 

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Medical Intuitive, Functional Medicine Doctor, Functional Medicine New York, ManhattanDr. Veronica Anderson is an MD, Functional Medicine practitioner, Homeopath. and Medical Intuitive. As a national speaker and designer of the Functional Fix and Rejuvenation Journey programs, she helps people who feel like their doctors have failed them. She advocates science-based natural, holistic, and complementary treatments to address the root cause of disease. Dr. Veronica is a highly-sought guest on national television and syndicated radio and hosts her own radio show, Wellness for the REAL World, on FOX Sports 920 AM “the Jersey” on Mondays at 7:00 pm ET.

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