You would think compliments would make other people like you. And everyone loves when people agree with them, right?

When we look for validation, we tend to practice certain behaviors. After all, we’re looking for others to let us know we belong. We want to matter and be seen for what we do. We feel reassured when we’re told we’re doing well.

Unfortunately, we aren’t exactly building relationships when we press for these things. If anything, we might be burning a few bridges instead. Why?

No One Knows the Real You

If you’re trying to blend with the crowd and not stand out, you lose your individuality and what makes you uniquely special. No one has any idea about the quirky way you do things or the marvelous things you have to say. They don’t see what you believe in and what you’re passionate about. Instead, you look just like everyone else, buttoned-down and boring.

People Think You’re Being Fake

When you’re not acting in authentic ways, others quickly pick up on it. It shows in how you agree about absolutely everything. It’s there in the phony compliments and how you switch sides at the drop of a hat. While you might think you’re being agreeable or even flattering, what they see is someone without personal integrity who isn’t worth their time or their trust.

You Seem Irresponsible

If you’re never to blame for anything but instead are pointing out how others got it wrong, so you look better, you’ll quickly find people steering clear of you. First, it’s because no one wants to be the next victim of the blame game you’re playing. Second, it looks like you can’t take responsibility for your own actions. Neither option is particularly attractive.

You’re a Little Scary

Sometimes the only way to build yourself is to first tear others down. If this is your game, then gossip and drama are a way of life for you. While people might flock to hear the latest and most juicy tidbits, no one will want to get particularly close in case the next feature story you have to share is all about them. It’s no wonder they steer clear.

You Come Off as Being Self-Centered

Validation-seeking requires others to be paying attention to you. Generally, this is at the expense of others. Seriously, how can you be expected to have time for other people’s problems when you need to be the focus right now? This feels like a lack of empathy and can even seem narcissistic.

The best solution? Be real. Authenticity wins points every time. Also, make a point to be more about the other person than yourself. As for validation? You don’t need it, at least not from anyone else. Instead, take the time to understand your own value. In the end, these things will draw people to you and create lasting friendships.