Why do we need to be told who we are? What is it about the opinions of others which is so powerful we stop listening to ourselves and believe the words of strangers over our own self-knowledge?

Validation is a funny sort of thing. We think we need it, but deep inside, we really don’t. After all, we know who we are and what we’re capable of. Validation, though, is an outgrowth of doubt, which usually only gets worse the more we try to seek out the attention of others, hoping they can tell us who we are.

It sounds like a crazy cycle, doesn’t it? Let’s get off this merry-go-round and take steps to free us from chasing this kind of acknowledgment once and for all. Try this instead, and see how it feels:

Step Back from the Question

What are you really asking for from the other person? Before you go there, take a moment to understand the root cause. What are you needing right now? Why do you feel like you’re not getting it? How can you find this for yourself without having to depend on someone else (who, more often than not, is going to let you down anyway? People aren’t mind-readers after all!)

Take Action Steps

Once you know the root, it’s time to do something about it. If you’re dealing with a lot of negative self-talk, start planning to put more positive words in your head. Rephrase what you’re saying about yourself. Make a rule where negativity isn’t allowed under any circumstances. Do what you need to make the change. This holds true for anything which is holding you back.

Enlist Assistance

Sometimes we can’t do these steps alone. Talk to a friend about what you’re feeling. Or talk to the person you want validation from about your experiences. Be honest with them about your need for their approval and why you feel like you don’t have it. You might be surprised at how they respond. If this isn’t enough, try talking to a counselor or other mental health professional for added assistance. Sometimes we all need a little help in getting to the heart of the matter.

Express Your Confidence

Even if you’re not feeling it just yet, make a point to stand a little straighter. Say out loud, “I believe in myself.” Make a list of all the things you do well and celebrate your accomplishments. Let the world see how amazing you are.
Once you’ve shaken the validation-seeking behavior once and for all, you’ll be amazed at what a difference it makes.

Finally, you can feel free to be yourself. You can take pride in who you are and what you do. And why wouldn’t you? You’re sharing with the world your truest and best version of yourself!