“We actually experience things first by emotion but then we quickly rationalize everything we do with logic”
Dr. Marcia Reynolds
Dr. Veronica Anderson, Host, Functional Medicine Specialist and Medical Intuitive interviews Marcia Reynolds on how to control your thoughts & emotions.
Do you want to control your mental state? Doctor of Psychology Marcia Reynolds helps you understand why you think and act the way you do so you can best choose how you want to think and act in the moment. You can also then better understand other people: what motivates them, how to work cooperatively with them, and how to inspire them to reach their potential.
In this episode, Marcia will talk about a strategy to control your mental state, how to stop failing goals and ways to set achievable goals. Listen to the end, to determine if finding your own coach is right for you.
Listen to episode 32 on iTunes here or subscribe on your favorite podcast app.
32: Show Notes
Dr. Veronica Anderson’s Links:
02:30 – Channeling your anger
07:42 – Emotional triggers
09:30 – Thoughts and emotion strategy
12:00 – Controlling your mental state
14:40 – Failing your goal
16:00 – Setting practical actionable goals
19:00 – Finding your coach and mentor
25:00 – Investing in yourself
Female VO: Welcome to the Welcome Revolution Podcast, the radio show all about wellness in your mind, body, spirit, personal growth, sex and relationships. Stay tuned for weekly interviews featuring guests that have achieved physical, mental and spiritual health in their lives. If you would like to have access to our entire back catalogue visit www.drveronica.com for instant access. And here is your host Dr. Veronica.
Veronica: I am Dr. Veronica and I am also with my co-host Russell. And I am a medical doctor, medical intuitive and Russell is all around great guy, Mr. Big Tall Media, if you see him he is big tall, he is also a medium, he doesn’t necessarily practice anymore. We are going to get more to that story on another time. But, let’s talk more about how to help you be better and this is what Wellness for the Real World is all about. And so we can talk about your numbers, your numbers, your numbers and everybody talks about your numbers and gets you focused and fearful and we can talk about healthcare and what’s going to be taken and what is going to be given and the house is good or not good. But, just by the way, just some statistics, you know that we spend the most money in America on healthcare yet we rank number 37. So start thinking about what is going wrong? You have to do things differently. If you want to be well you have to do things differently.
So one of those ways to do things differently is to change your perception and your emotions and people say, well, how do I do that? And why are you telling me to do that? Because, stress, stress, stress is killing us, anger, sadness, fear is killing America, it’s pure and simple. You are killing you. It’s not about the candidate that’s out there, it’s not about your husband or your wife that’s getting on your nerves. It’s not about your jerky boss, it’s not about that person that cuts you off on the road. It’s about you and your perceptions that allow you to kill you. So here I am, it’s tough love. That’s what I do, tough love. Get it together. So you are saying, alright Veronica, you are doing those tough love things but how do I get it together? And so we are going to talk a little bit about that.
Now Russell, I am going to tell you something else. Russell has done just like practically everything in his life, I mean, he sings and dances and he has a beautiful voice with that but he has done a lot of meditation and a bit of meditation teacher. Right Russell, is that true?
Russell: Oh yeah, I am here, I am guilty
Veronica: Yeah, he is guilty. He has done just about everything. So he has been a meditation teacher but when we talk about changing our emotions and changing the way we react, it’s people say, well, it’s easier said than done. How do I change how I react, somebody did this or the other thing to me. So, shouldn’t I be mad, I am allowed to be bad, damn it, I am going to be mad. But, this hurts only you. It doesn’t hurt the other person necessarily, even if you decide I am going to go hurt the other person, ultimately you are going to hurt yourself. Even if you send negative energy towards that person you are hurting yourself. So when you are writing that nasty Facebook post or disagreeing with somebody or you are yelling at whoever the candidate you can’t stand on TV is. I don’t know what candidate you can’t stand, Trump, Rubio, I want to get Russell’s blood pressure up. Who’s that other guy Cruz or you might love them Hillary or funny Sanders of whatever. I mean, they are all the same, they are all the same people to me. They are all just the same. And so, you have to learn how to change your perception. So how do you do that? Let me just tell you one of the strategies that I use, it is, whenever I feel like myself getting irritate with someone, I switch it over and I decide I want to send them love. Send them love, send them love. It’s really interesting when you really switch. And why do I do that? I do that because long ago. I tick Russell off, I do it to tick off Russell. Russell the next time you feel irritated at that candidate, I want you to send them love. Because if adhere you are going to be all high and mighty and meditating all that and I see all this high mighty meditating people who are nasty towards people they don’t like politically, nasty. And I am just like, that’s so incongruent, I just lost all respect for you, not in total lose all respect for you because you are a human being and I understand you are doing it. But if you are going to teach me how to be a better me you have to show me something that’s better about you so that I want to be like you. And when you go up there and say, well I am high and I meditate and bla, bla, bla, but I can’t stand, and you mention whatever candidate you can’t stand, because they did, and you justify it. No, they are all human beings and they all deserve love and so therefore the next time you feel that way Russell towards, I don’t know who you dislike the most at this time and I don’t want necessarily piss everybody off and then, and people will be yelling at Russell because he likes Hillary or, you know, whatever. I mean, Russell send love to Ted Cruz. You know, for me from week to week they just one irritates me, then the next one irritates me, then the next one so I practice sending love. But, Russell, I want to you to set up our guest that is coming on because we are going to talk about these emotional triggers and some of the things that you can do about emotional triggers. And this all has to do with outsmarting your brain and this lady is an expert in outsmarting your brain because you think it’s that way and I had no choice but to be that way and this is who I am and if I am not like this I am not authentic. And so Russell, bring on our next guest.
Russell: I am happy to, in fact I am sending love to her…………. 0:06:20.7 . Our guest today is Dr. Marcia Reynolds and she is kind of an expert on the brain, how people understand why they do what they do, so you can make better choices and handle difficult situations etc. She has been on ABC World News, CNN.com. She blogs for Psychology Today and has written a couple of cool sounding books, Outsmart Your Brain, Mind Blowing Programs for Leaders. And I love this one, Wonder Woman, How High-Achieving Women Find the Contentment and Direction. Dr. Marcia Reynolds, it’s great to have you.
Marcia: Thank you, glad to be here. And I feel the love you sent.
Russell: Thank you. I don’t know why Veronica can’t feel the love?
Veronica: I feel your love Russell but we had a good relationship, whatever kind of relationship you want to call this but when Russell gets hot and starts posting on Facebook it’s just like oh my god, he is at it again. I have got to calm him down, he doesn’t understand if he is supposed to be a meditation teacher. So tell us, you are talking about outsmarting your brain and your emotional triggers. We can all see other people’s emotional triggers very easily but we have got difficulty seeing our own emotional triggers, why is this?
Marcia: Well, Dr. Veronica you said it yourself, we immediately go to I deserve to be angry, it’s okay for me to not say something here, people will just think it’s a damn idea. So we actually experience things first by emotion but then we quickly rationalize everything we do with logic. So we come up with some good reason for feeling the way we do instead of stopping and say, why am I feeling this way and is there really a more productive way to feel.
Veronica: So people feel it’s productive to be angry? I mean, to me in America today, everybody has ……. 0:08:28.5 in their bodies, some type of illness and those …….. people don’t realize that are directly seriously associated with anger. And so why is it that we are indignated and feel like we have a right to be indignated and we cannot seem to switch out of this?
Marcia: Well, that’s an interesting thing cannot seem to, so again there is that rationalization, it’s okay for me to feel this way and I can’t feel differently anyway. That person made me angry or this situation is terrible so I have a right to be angry and I can’t change myself. And you even mentioned earlier when you said, this question about authenticity. Well, that’s just who I am, I often hear that from my clients without recognizing that you actually have choice and the question is do you really want to be living in anger or is there an easier way.
Veronica: So what are some of the strategies that you can give as to start, to start doing it a little bit differently because I know a lot of people especially when they have health issues realize that something has got to change, something has got to change but I just don’t know how to do it and I have tried all kind of things, I tried deep breathing, everybody says be mindful. I mean, everybody is throwing around these terms but people say well but I. What do you do to tell people to start being able to be just a little bit different? One baby step.
Marcia: Well, first to recognize that thoughts and emotions are different. And most of the techniques that people learn are thought related. So even the thought I send them love it’s difficult to understand unless you actually feel the love. So we have to start by shifting our emotion before we can actually shift our thoughts and sustain something new. But those emotions are in your body. So anger, fear, frustration, disappointment they are lodged in your body. So baby steps is the first, not just take a breadth but to recognize where you are holding tension and release the tension, drop your shoulders, ahhh, make you know, your center softer, let go off your clenching fist, release the tension in your jaw and your forehead. So when you start to release that, then you can start asking yourself what would be more useful for me to feel and can I feel gratitude? Can I feel compassion? Do I have a picture of my child and my puppy dog? That makes me feel differently in this moment. You have to start there before you can start changing your thoughts.
Veronica: So, you talk about at times how you turn negative conversations in the positive conversation? So you are going down that road? Or you see, for me it’s more commonly, now people say, I had somebody observe me do this one time where I turned a negative conversation, somebody was attacking me about something I had no control over and they were attacking, attacking, attacking and they said oh my gosh, it was a new client, oh my gosh, I saw that, you stay so calm, how did you do it? I wanted to bit up the woman for you. How do people get to that point where they can turn around a situation that starts out negative and deescalate it? What do you tell people?
Marcia: Well, there are actually three things quickly that you can do with your mental state. And the first one is before you even go into the conversation, choose one emotion that you want to anchor in your brain. So if it’s going to be calm you can choose calm or courageous or compassion and then every time you start to feel in your body that you are tightening up or your breathing haa, you know, quickens in your heart rate. You know, you take that breadth, you release it and then say that one word to yourself, calm, I am going to be calm. So again it becomes that keyword and you don’t allow other thoughts to come in. The moment you start judging them or being angry and coming up with, you know, all the things you think about them then you could get lost but if you just have that one anchor word, you start with the emotion and then remember, you know, why are you there in that conversation, what’s the intention, are you there to help them? If there just for yourself they are going to know it but if you are really there to help them or do something, you just keep remembering my intention is for this person who is stuck. So can I stay calm and be here for this person who is stuck to help them move through.
Veronica: I want to switch topics a little bit on this because you have something else that is interesting, here we are, we have gotten a little bit down the road in the year and you talk how to assess and plan your year. Now, by this time New Year’s resolutions are long gone and they have become a distant memory and you say okay, well maybe next year again but we are still early enough that we can turn around and shift things. So what do you recommend in that? Because this is something that people get angry and disappointed ….. 0:14:17.0 because they are not achieving in their life what they want to do. That is why people, I mean, think about it, the people who are the happiest are the ones that are doing the best in life. And it doesn’t necessarily even have to do with financial status or anything, you are happy with the way your life is progressing. But a lot of people are unhappy, have made resolutions to change and yet they are gone. So what do we do with this point and time?
Marcia: First I would start by looking at the resolution list which is often way too long, here is all the things I want to change in my life when honestly we really need to focus on one thing at a time because otherwise you will fail and then you are going to give up completely instead of just choosing what would be the most important thing for me to focus on that will help me move forward? And choose that one thing. And, resolution shouldn’t just be in January, I mean, who made up January, you know. So you choose one thing, you work on that and as you start to see progress then maybe you can take on something else. But, the other thing is to actually look at the list and to say, which of these things really have meaning for me still because a lot of times we carry over the same ones year after year after year. And some of those things you need to let go off, you know, you are not going to learn Spanish if you have had it on there for ten years and you haven’t done it, you know, or reach out to some old friend you haven’t talked to for ten years when maybe you have some current friends now you need to spend more time with. You know, so really looking at what can I take off the list as well as choosing what is the priority for me to focus on.
Veronica: Ahh, yeah, now you talk about seeing the present clearly and maybe you should take it off the list and so in my health coaching and intuitive practice I see a lot of people who year after year they have made the resolution that they want to get healthy but they say it in terms of I want to lose weight. That is not a resolution or a desire that I would tell people to take off the list, why? Because it directly impacts their health and their happiness because if you are feeling sick and low self-confidence it’s going to be difficult for you to achieve anything else. So if you have one of these resolutions, yes, so this is a good idea but for ten years I haven’t been able to achieve this, or five year, or whatever it is, every year I do this. What would you tell somebody to get unstuck out of that type of thing and move forward on those really important resolutions?
Marcia: Well, you know, and losing weight is an interesting one that you will bring that up, I mean, is it really that the goal is to lose weight or is it the goal to eat more healthfully or to exercise more? I think that those are more achievable than, because when we say oh, I need to lose weight then you lose two pounds and you gain one back and then you are angry at yourself and you say this isn’t worth it and it’s taking too long. Whereas, if you set the goal for your healthy lifestyle, you know, so specifically I am really going to change my eating and, you know, you are going to find that there is probably weight loss as a result of that instead of that thing that never is enough, you know, weight loss is never enough so you never satisfy yourself. But if you are eating healthfully you are going to feel better. So is the goal to feel better, then what’s one thing you can focus on to feel better that would result in weight loss anyway.
Veronica: Yes, But one thing I am going to say about this because this talk is about something that you do for people, is that one of the goals to people or one of the resolutions should be I am going to be somebody to help me with these goals that I have not been able to achieve. We are in such of self help, do it yourself type culture and society that people don’t reach out for help and then when they do reach out for help if they reach out to an individual that’s not equipped to be able to help them with exactly what their goals are then they don’t succeed. And so I see lots of people who have had these goals and haven’t been able to achieve them with their health and their problem is they have never been to a coach. And so, I am a health coach and I am a physician underlying it but main thing that I do with people as I coach them which takes time. So talk a little bit about how coaching is different from going to your doctor and getting a prescription, different from psychotherapy? Why, you know, everybody who is great, all the great masters and all the wonderful successful people out there have coaches, not just athletes. It’s not just the coaches of your favourite hockey team or basketball team, we are talking about all the top performers in every industry that have coaches. So talk about coaching versus all these and watching it on YouTube and thinking you can do it syndrome.
Marcia: And that’s the truth. So, you know, Dr. Veronica you said something wise just a few minutes ago when you said we always think we need to do it on our own, and how wrong that is. And it is good to have your friends and support to share your goals, you know, you help each other in support of you in a positive way. But even that, sometimes our friends fall short of challenging us and, you know, really holding up the mirror so we can look at ourselves. And, so again we get back into that rationalizing mindset. Well, when you have a coach, a coach is really a thinking partner and when you go and you talk to your coach and you are stuck in a pattern the coach is so good at holding up the mirror so you can see yourself and then asking you a question that makes you truly stop and question yourself which we can’t do for ourselves, we are so protective. I mean, just the same as you can’t tickle yourself, you know, if you try to tickle yourself you can’t do it because your brain says I know what you are doing. And it’s the same thing when you try to figure things out on your own, your brain says I know what you are doing and I am not going to let you do this. But when you have that coach that asks you that question that makes you stop and go, haa, I never thought of it that way, then boom, you have a crack in your ego and you start to see the world and yourself differently and you may be able to more through that. So I love my coach because she gets me every time, I call her and boom, she asks me one question and I am like ah, that’s it and I can start to move forward where I get stuck just in my own head and that is just is where we go, the brain just won’t even allow you that deep exploration that you think you can do on your own, you can’t.
Veronica: So let me tell you one of the big differences I see in coaching versus all the other stuff that is going on out here. Let’s say you have gone to a doctor’s, people say what is the difference in going to a regular doctor’s office versus going to somebody like who is a coach. Well, number one, it’s going to be ………. 0:21:44.9 you are going to lay out some of the things but then I am going to put it right back on you. So it’s different than a psychotherapy or a ……….. . Number two I am your accountability partner. Accountability and so you know that the next time we meet you better have executed something and if you didn’t execute something in between that you better have contacted me to tell me what your off score was so I can help you get over it because I make it clear to people that I am here, I am your partner, I am seeing what you are not seeing, I am going to give you some direction but then there is going to be accountability and then you are going to answer back to me and if you don’t succeed, before, when something happens, it’s not that you are making excuses, you are going to talk about, okay, this has happened and this is what I do and people know it’s a different type of relationship than going and whining to the doctors because this is what people do today. They go to the doctor, ah, ah, I have all this. This is why you are not getting well, you whine to your doctor, they write a prescription to stop your whining and then you are on your way and this is why you are not getting well. Am I write or wrong?
Marcia: So true, it’s so true but you know what, and people I bet they tell you, you are in my head, you know, whenever I go to do something I hear Dr. Veronica in my head and ahh, I better do it because she is there. So you stay with them even when you are not present, right?
Veronica: Yes but they also know that I am doing it because I really care about them, so I am keeping them accountable and so it ends up that they really can see over a short period of time how they have made progress because I made sure their feet were on the fire and this is what my coaches do for me. They make sure my feet are to the fire so you know there is something I haven’t done today that my coach asked for yesterday and I can’t think about anything else but what my coach asked for. I have got to do that because feel embarrassed if I haven’t done that because I know that she is asking me for this information because it’s for my own good and my own success, this is what the difference is.
Marcia: And because you see them in a bigger way than they can even see themselves. You believe in them that they can do more and be more and they sense that. So that’s why they don’t rebel against you. They are like yes, you are there in their best interest even though you are challenging them to do more, to take those steps that are difficult, they know why, they know why.
Veronica: And so I would tell people, if you are having any kind of issue in any area of your life, invest in a coach. I am not talking about a good friend, I don’t feel a psychologist, I mean somebody who is on your team, on the payroll like the coaches because they will say what do I say on the payroll, because when you pay for something you also tend to execute it. If you get it for free you are like ah, it’s not worth anything. But when you pay somebody you are just I ain’t wasting this money.
Marcia: That’s so true
Veronica: And I have been taught by George Ross who is Donald Trump’s attorney for years, you saw him on celebrity appearance, I used be in that, he was one of my coaches by the way, I was in a coaching group with him, that the best investment you can make is on yourself. And so invest in yourself, and when you invest in yourself that just doesn’t mean going to college or trade school or things like that. The super successful people in all areas invest in the soft things, the soft skills. The successful people are successful in the soft skills. So I want you to know, out there audience that Dr. Marcia Reynolds, you can go on www.outsmartyourbrain.com and let me just, I am going to put in the plug, she helps high achieving women and, you know, the high achieving woman, the wonder woman and the wonder woman are very different from, I mean, all of us are great, not saying that but when you are high achieving there is a lot of times I feel like okay, there is nobody who understands what I am going through and so who do I talk to about this and so people are if you are one of those people who do I talk to about this because all people just don’t get me. then you want to go and talk to somebody like Dr. Marcia Reynolds www.outsmartyourbrain.com. Dr. Marcia Reynolds thank you for being on Wellness for the Real World.
Marcia: Thank you for having me, I have enjoyed it.
Female VO: Thank you for listening for the Wellness Revolution podcast. If you want to hear more on how to bring wellness into you live visit www.drveronica.com. See you all next week, take care.
Dr. Veronica Anderson is an MD, Functional Medicine practitioner, Homeopath. and Medical Intuitive. As a national speaker and designer of the Functional Fix and Rejuvenation Journey programs, she helps people who feel like their doctors have failed them. She advocates science-based natural, holistic, and complementary treatments to address the root cause of disease. Dr. Veronica is a highly-sought guest on national television and syndicated radio and hosts her own radio show, Wellness for the REAL World, on FOX Sports 920 AM “the Jersey” on Mondays at 7:00 pm ET.